Week Four: Sept. 16-22
Live Through This
“Rewriting the Script” by Carolyn Gage (pp.163-172)
“Cello Speak” by Bonfire Madigan Shive (pp.173-186)
“no more crying” by bell hooks (pp.187-192)
“Self-Portraits” by Nan Goldin (pp.193-198)
“Silent Body, Speaking Body” by Anonymous (pp. 199-206)
“Art as Prayer” by Kate Bornstein (pp.207-218)
“Live Through That?!” by Eileen Myles (pp.219-)
As we finish the last third of Live Through This, it occurs to me that as we read these last stories, it's really about writing our stories—what do we feel safe writing about? What is possible? Not possible? Doable? Not doable? In the essay, "Silent Body, Speaking Body," Anonymous beautifully describes her dilemma as a teacher—and maybe our dilemmas as people—what she can't say in words, she hopes others will see or pick up in her work. So, as you comment on some of the readings, make sure you include yourself in your posts as much as you can. Most of you are already doing this.
This research class is really about beginning to think about what is of most interest to us? To me? What am I interested in? Do I have the words to begin to explain what that is? If not, what are some words? And that is where the books come in—I hope they will show what others have tried to do. In the end, it falls back into our laps—what do we do? What will I do? What do I want to do—in terms of research—which means art or writing or performing or....
Personally, I enjoyed Bonfire Madigan’s statements about the process of “allowing yourself to be shaken so that you’re changed.” I hope your writing, art, teaching, and research involve similar processes. When I read about bell hooks finding dark closets and crying, I wanted to find a dark closet to cry in. It took over thirty years for me to embrace my ability to feel, my strong sensitivities, after growing up with a family who believed “crying” was quite possibly the most inappropriate response to anything -- even physical pain. (I once broke my leg sliding into home during one of my high school softball games, and my dad just kept yelling from the stands, "Walk it off, Peanut! Get up, and walk it off!" . . . Don't get me wrong; I love my dad, and when we was finally willing to admit defeat and take me to a doctor 3 days later, he apologized and felt terrible.) I now embrace the way things move me to tears quite often. I'm proud of the ways in which I show genuine care for others and perceive my world in very meaningful ways, all qualities I was reared to suppress, as they were regarded as weaknesses. I always love bell hooks. I was also struck by Nan Goldin’s self portraits, the juxtaposition of black eye, red lips, and pearls. Very powerful. What are your reactions to the readings, and how are the artists’ processes informing your lives, your ideas, your work?
I feel like this book has helped me understand the intuitive intelligence that I have struggled with as an artist or keep denying. Zeroing in on my research, my passions have helped me understand the dialogue I am beginning to have to helps me create my voice/heart in my art for more authenticity. I am reminded of this in Carolyn Gaye’s story. Her playing with dolls to create a normal world as a child was her rehearsal for her adult writing life. Like you said Dr. Humphreys, it is what she was comfortable writing about, once she dealt with her emotions. I was moved and in awe of the Cello story. She is enchanted by the cello and how it can speak for her and uses it in her performance. The companion, Whisper helped her to cope with her family life but also was able to create this same “play” process for playing her cello and passing the emotion through the sound. As a child, I nurtured everything or I was sewing and crafting. My kids accuse me that I try to create a lesson for everything, ha ha! (Love those kids!) I never really thought about it but I think this comes across in my art or writing as harsh and I’m trying to ask myself how I can have a nurturing “voice” in my writing and artwork – one that helps people feel encouraged. I definitely think I didn’t get it until I read this book!
ReplyDeleteGail, I like how you used the word authenticity. So often when we create art we are so concerned with its formal qualities or the theory behind it that we often lose sight of "is it expressing our artistc intent". I forget who said it.... that's really going to annoy me, but someone really smart said that you can't be a theorist and a practitioner at the same time. Though modernism has muddied the waters.
Deleteha...i agree and disagree with you can't be a theorist and a practitioner at the same time...at the head level i agree with this statement...but i think when theory, if one so connects with it that they own it, embody it, then theory will work its way through the body into the work...but as i said, i agree that it doesn't really occur at top down... :)
DeleteThanks Ladies, I appreciate it!
DeleteKatharine, I also believe art educators can too often focus on formal qualities and almost completely ignore the authentic art making process. I have a teacher I work with that is resistant to new ideas and doesn't understand why her students aren't engaged with her assignments. I am trying to find a polite way to tell her that her lessons are more like complex recipes than authentic art making experiences. No one gets excited about strictly adhering to a list of steps, and if you take Sol LeWitt at his word, it means those students are nothing more than assemblers of her art.
DeleteI agree Justin, had a professor that was strict in teaching the formula for art, just wasn't that fun and she lost the respect of the class as well.
DeleteI too love your use of "authentic", I think having that open connection with your own self is important, because it can lead you to see what maybe you were hiding, avoiding, etc (both in yourself and what you may have missed around you). And I think having a "lesson" is okay, but being aware of what that message is, does, and how it alters or creates experience in art is important. Like a lot of the stories here there is an impact (to varying degrees), some indirectly give types of "lessons" and others more blatantly - and it is I think totally okay to have one, as long as we know all the potential impacts that lesson may have.
DeleteAnd Justin, yes! I have been there too, and had such defined assignments that ultimately I just went through the motions of completing it on autopilot and nothing more. And I too find the best assignments are the ones where the guidelines are there to help keep you on a track, but are not too narrow, instead ones that help accomplish something, but let you explore and find new things that maybe you didn't know you were going to get at all.
Many artists who have gone on for PHD study in Art education and /or Art History complain that you never will make art again if you pursue this path.One gets too caught up in the theory to make art.Is this true for all artists?To me,it would seem like this would strengthen your artistic practice not the reverse.I have always maintained my art studio and hope to strengthen my artistic practice through research and theory at the PHD level,I will let you know if this changes.Maybe if one has such a strong studio commitment before getting involved with theory and research than the artist practice will not fail.
DeleteDavid, i think the research vs art making is mostly a function of the numbers of hours in a day. Though i do laugh and tgink about a good percentage of those that go to seminary having the life sucked out of their spiritual passion via theory and such. Or at least it was so when i was riding shot gun while my form spousal unit went to seminary.
DeleteI believe that understanding the theory and research behind the artistic expression has deepened the experience for me, and not just my own process of creating my art. My appreciation for conceptual works of art has grown throughout my grad school experience, and this book has a special place in my kindle collection with highlights and notes on every other page (at least). Getting lost to a rut where I don't create anything for myself does happen, particularly if I'm in a job that requires I use my creativity for someone else's vision or projects. I would reach the end of the day and feel as though the creative juices were dried up. I have also heard many of my art educator friends voice their frustrations with lack of time, resources or energy for their own art during the school year. Theory and research, on the other hand, have been instrumental in refining my process and my enjoyment of artistic expressions around me. During the production of my capstone film, I sporadically kept a journal that would detail the ups and downs of the process so that I could revisit it while I wrote my final paper. Many of the stories felt as though they were framed in the same way, and I have decided that a paper will probably become integral in my process, even if I'm the only one that ever reads it.
DeleteI feel you.... Its like we know these things about ourselves but this book reading about people getting deeper into themselves makes up get deeper with who we are as well. This book pushed me inward too.
DeleteKathy,
DeleteNo I don't think you can do both. If a practitioner thinks too much, then his art may become contrived with theory. I believe that Clement Greenberg would agree with me. I note his reaction to minimalism.
Holley - let me be clear, understanding theory makes us better practitioners for sure. That's why it is so important for practitioners to study their respective fields histories and theory. What I am saying is - one should not create with theory in mind as a ledger. Understanding should ooze from one's subconscious not be the forefront of creation.
DeleteGail, This was a nice, personal post to share with us and to relate to the reading.Introspective and pensive.reading this book has definitely opened our eyes and hearts and made us take a hard look at our lives.
ReplyDeleteThanks David - never sure if I say too much! lol! I know this MAE program has really helped me in understanding my story in my art and where its coming from!
DeleteI know what you mean i tend to say too much also..lol
DeleteMy artist journey paralleled with this book has helped my to discover/define my inhibited approach that has crept in to my process. I was raised thinking its better to deny your emotions but as I read these stories I understand how these artists didn’t deny and used them to transform their work. As I process this book, I feel that this reservation I created, in my process has held me back allowing a boredom to set in affecting my work and attitude towards it. The culture’s standard of “NO Crying – it’s a sign of weakness!” People think having any kind of emotion is weak, weird and crazy or however they label it! I’ve been restrained by trying to please the culture! (Darn it, my people pleaser behavior is my Achilles heel or kryptonite!) The only emotion in my family growing up that was ok was yelling louder (power over) but crying isn’t! Today you see it sitcoms with sarcasm. Bell Hooks dealt with her emotion and it helped her heal making her a stronger person in the process! I personally think for me, that when I deal with my emotions I create better and in an uninhibited process! It frees my mind much like Silas Howard in his story of lifting the fog once he stopped drinking. I was in awe this summer watching the glass blowers create from this intuitive, uninhibited method to create the glass – it was quite magical! That 3 weeks I found myself saying – “Ah ah! I have lost that in my work – help me find it GOD!” (HOPE THEY DON”T GET RID OF THE SUMMER GLASS CLASS BY INCLUDING IT IN FREDRICKSBURG!!) Bell Hooks defined it for me!
ReplyDeleteGail- There was so much in the end of that bell hooks writing that was really powerful from the perspective of understanding the role religion can play in our life. The quote, "To wait patiently therefore means to allow our weeping and wailing to become the purifying preparation by which we are made ready to receive the joy which is promised to us," was just such an amazing statement. Also, "This grieving is praying. . .the discipline of the heart that sees the sin of the world, and knows itself to be the sorrowful price of freedom without which love cannot bloom." There was just so much about that that I found engaging and compelling.
DeleteI agree Justin! I really appreciated Bell Hook's story - wish we would have read this chapter last semester in Pedagogy, lol! I loved the quote too, "this grieving is praying" ... What a gift to see it that way - I think thats the blessing!!!!
DeleteIt is very brave and courageous for us professional artists to make emotional and uninhibited art that is why the Outsider artists do it with ease.And it is very difficult actually.
Deletethat is another reason why I like this book yes some was hard to read and sad but they used their hardships in life by honing in on it to express themselves find a voice, to find themselves.
Delete@David I agree... I had a few professors at VSU that made some extremely expressive kind of dark work and I always wondered what they were getting out.
I really resonate with the Gage "rewriting the text" essay. though at this point based on empirical psych studies "exposure therapy" and "flood" has been shown to not produce longterm benefit....now their are empirical studies that link health--psychological and physiological and even vocationally--with disclosure and in an evolving narrative (See James Pennebaker in scholar.google or just go to his website (he is out of UT)).
ReplyDeletei resonated almost the whole way through with the author sans the child abuse and attraction to woman. i need to disclose neither because they don't reside in my history nor current compulsions.
But, I have begun to write (and make art)...Suddenly, my marriage, my church, my social life, my conservative career goals don’t fit me anymore. I am breaking everything I touch. Nobody knows what to do with me when I take up so much space
Despite the fact that Gage blew everything up, it first came about as she began to find her own power. And like myself, I had never chosen to weld power before, so when i began to find voice in writing, research and art making, i tended to break things. my guess is i still do. and i still catch myself trying to be small, to be nonthreatening. today in one of my classes after reading this text, i uncurled myself in class, literally. i was hunched over my desk, trying to be small, trying not to speak or talk too much. so i literally got small.
Kathryn - I understand your point on welding your power or giving it away! Its hard for me to draw my own portrait ( seems I want to grow small, lol) but after finishing this book I realized it gave me courage to do just that and had two ideas of my own self portrait!
Delete"I am breaking everything I touch." I felt this way going through some hard times in 2012 through my divorce but after the dust settled I knew I had to break to be happy to be myself and not just fit into this social and even religious mold I stayed in a poising relationship for 8 years do to fear of failure or hurting my family. and come to find out the church agreed with the separation and my family did as well.
DeleteI go back and forth with power at times I feel powerful and others I feel tiny. Its like I get this empowerment in myself then I question it and seem to bring myself back down.
Kathyrn -
DeleteI have observed myself in both states, outgrowing my surrounding and trying to shrink to fit inside my purse, and after reading your post on this, I wonder about these feelings. Are they simply defense mechanisms? Or does it have more to do with my current mood. Sometimes, I seek to be invisible or small even if there is no one around. But there are times that I feel as though I'm going to outgrow the world around me, and I want to use these states as tools in my art and my relationship with my self as Gage has done. Researching or shooting video or editing said video gives me the same sensation that I'm growing and learning at the same time that I'm desperately trying to be invisible.
I am with you Holley. and yup I have fully figured out it the desiring of smallness is a function of mood or something deeper, some unsettling belief.
Deleteinterestingly enough when i moved here, i had to work myself up to walking my beast. previously i lived at the edge of a pinewood national forest and i could walk a tree canopied gravel or dirt lane for an hour and see no one except me, the pup, and occasional turtle she harvested from the forest floor, plus live stalk. plus the pup could run free.
here i had to switch to concrete paths littered with the noise of human ingenuity, littered with people frenetically doing life, littered with litter and feral cats and chiwawas :0 i liked the solitude of unseenness of the country forested lane. the pup has adjusted just fine to the leashed leisure life of lubbock.
Out of the entire book, I identified most with Bell Hooks: No More Crying. Much of my mental struggles early on were wondering how I couldn't bear what God had given me... until I, too, learned that "trauma is just that: 'more than anyone can bear'." What a relief to learn that breaking is okay, spiritually.
ReplyDeleteLearning to see past perceptions of "crazy and unlovable" to a "portrait of divine spirit in me" was the key to my own struggles... learning that grief, sadness, and mourning are OK emotions.
Bell Hooks' writing has me looking inward and outward. I now wonder how I treat mourning in others close to me; particularly my own child. He's only 14 months old, but he does have "negative" emotions sometimes. In my conversations with him, I need to include that it is okay to feel ______, (but we cannot hit others, fling ourselves off the high chair, etc). I think it would be good with my students to affirm their emotions when redirecting behavior. Sadness is okay. Strategic mourning. Safe mourning. Create-as-mourning.
Silent Body Speaking Body had me uncomfortably close as well. I've had the same conversations with students. The same thoughts... hoping "that what and how I teach can make up for what I cannot say."
I am sad that this book is coming to an end. I have loved on it heavily and pages are already falling out!
I too am sad to see this book end! I finished today and it is just done,
Delete(que silence now). I found it has touched my heart and said "it will be ok Gail!"
"What a relief to learn that breaking is okay, spiritually." I know what you mean, Courtney. I still have to practice being gentle with myself on a daily basis, but learning the lesson that breaking is okay brought me a great deal of relief as well.
DeleteI wish I could have had a teacher like you when I was in high school to encourage me on negative emotions and redirecting behavior. Especially when we live in a virtual world where negative emotions or reactions are a result of conflict or confrontation and has to be resolved in one hour or less (with room for commercials).
So very true,all of this and it is unfortunate but being aware and passing on our new attitudes to students is what will change this.
Deletereading the crying story touched my parenting self as well. growing up i used to cry for my dad a lot and i am thankful that my grandparents were so patient and kind to me and let me get it out and held me. my daughter ironically cries for my dad too lol they are very close and when he comes to visit then has to go back to work she cries for him but i always tell her he will be back dont worry and i am here now if you need me. as a parent reading these stories it really makes me step back and make sure i see her and encourage her in this life and to love unconditionally.
DeleteOK, so related, but unrelated. I've been talking to a couple of my advanced students about the topics of this book we are reading. I let two of them read an excerpt from Total Disaster, and we discussed what place this conversation has in the art room. Is it something we should discuss, as depression is something that everyone has faced or will face in some sense. We came to the conclusion that a whole conversation about depression could be difficult, but we could nest it into a greater conversation about the many purposes art can serve. We've started a list and would love any thoughts or additions.
ReplyDeleteArt as social change
Art as invoking the sacred
Art as coping mechanism/processing
Art as doccumentation
Justin - I think that discussing it in regards to "what purposes art can serve" is of greater value than talking about artist and depression. Kind of like the story, "Creating your own world"; Swoon used art to help people react to the trauma. I also am inspired by the artist, Toni Blackman traveling as a Cultural Ambassador, helping people deal with the trauma's of war bringing reconciliation and recovery through art. Depression/anxiety knows no socioeconomic boundaries, it can claim accountants, nurses, doctors, city employees that drive the trash truck and I think today people confuse sad with depression vs. being clinically depressed. Also, I worry about the message given that depression is exclusive to artists or as a profession it impacts artist more (which isn't true). (If I was a teenager hearing that - it would scare me, lol) Art as coping would definitely benefit anyone - thats what I love about art - it meets you where you are.
DeleteI agree Gail. One of the conclusions we came to in our conversation was that there is a stigma to depression. It's something that is inappropriate to discuss in the public space. Maybe artists aren't any more susceptible to depression, maybe they just express it a little more. I don't know. Maybe the conversation everyone should be having is that everyone will be depressed at some point in their lives. There was a line in the book that I cannot find that talked about there being no real reason for the author's depression. I often think of it as an emotional pain tolerance. Everyone will at some point have an experience that will overload their emotional tolerance, regardless of how "good" they have it. The fact that there is no acknowledgement of this is problematic. I had someone close to me confess that they were struggling with depression, and the way they said it conveyed that they felt their depression was shameful. It's very existence and his acknowledgement of it made him feel weak and defeated. That's unfortunate, but often the way people feel. Something akin to that, "I'll give you something to cry about," mentality.
DeleteThats amazing that you are doing that Justin to be honest I didnt realize how much depresson is out there. I mean I know we all go through it at some point in our lives I know I have and I have had close friends really go deep in depression but discussioning this topic with your advanced students is amazing. I agree with Gail about being worried "on the message given that depression is exclusive to artists" maybe a balance could be mentioned on making art to help heal and making art to celebrate life.
DeleteJustin, this is awesome! I wish I had a classroom right now to share some excerpts with as well. I think just challenging students on how to place such conversations in the art classroom is perfect. I like the four on your list... maybe adding: Art and "the Other"/ outsider artists?
DeleteJustin - I think that you should add art as ritual as well. These vary readings seem to be using the art of writing in a ritualistic manner, not just as theraputic. The habitual nature of some of them seem to suggest the former practice as well as the latter.
DeleteKatharine, I like that. We could look at Tibetan monks making sand mandala, or Hindu jade carvings that spanned generations. Are their any more contemporary or western examples?
Deleteabsolutely - Navajo Indian sand paintings (not technically western as often considered a part of the ancient other). You can also think about Rosenberg's own criticism of Pollock and the idea of energy made visible through the ritual gesture.
Delete**Post for week three reading: Toni Black's "Rappin My Wounds"**
ReplyDeleteSome of the video projects that I have worked on over the last few years have opened me up to researching and interviewing victims of abuse. After each encounter, I have taken time to quietly reflect on the experiences that people have shared with me. It is a humbling experience when you realize that white picket fences and nice neighborhoods don't protect you as well as advertised. The stories in this book have vividly depicted the internal battle that many people who have suffered trauma encounter. One line in particular in "Rapping My Wounds" resonated with me as I read it:
"You practice dealin’ with, instead of running. You practice protecting yourself."
(p. 138).
Here Blackman describes a defense mechanism that many victims develop when they stay in an abusive relationship. These lines resonated with me not because of an abusive relationship, but because I know what it feels like to "practice dealin' with" in different areas of my life. When I was in the army, my leaders had another phrase to describe Blackman's sentiment, "It is what it is". I cannot explain why, but that phrase bugs me. And so I can understand the struggle of learning or practicing to deal with things that you cannot change, or the things you don't want to change yet. At this point, Blackman turns back to her art, her rapping, her beats for solace as she practices protecting herself. I find solace in her story and all the others like hers that cause me to reflect on my own opinions as I search for my artistic voice.
Love the line: "white picket fences and nice neighborhoods don't protect you as well as advertised." I think "wrestling" with my "self" helps my work to evolve and pursuing my art is contemplation in action!
DeletePost for Week 3:
ReplyDeleteI know I talked in comments about Stephanie Howell’s “Weight Watchers,” but I am going to talk about it again. Because out of last week’s reading that was the one that hit home for me. During my Master’s degree I gained a lot of weight in a relatively short span of time, and as I have said previously I have always been conscious of my weight/size/perception… so those two years were a really hard time for me. I felt trapped by my body and by the shame I felt for having gotten there – I gained the weight because I was scared. I gained more because I became scared of being scared. Looking back and reading Howell, I realize that it was just a part of my life, that is was okay. I was (and still am) transitioning, changing, and that ultimately it was my fear that was really holding me back NOT the weight. I still have days where I worry about my size, but now it is not about looks, but about health – and I am okay. “All bodies are worthy bodies,” (166) they are, and so is mine.
I appreciate your thoughts on weight watchers.As a male,I grew up being very self conscious of weight.my parochial teacher held a fatty contest with me(he was very heavy) to encourage me to lose a few pounds. Even when,at the age of 21,I had gone down to 165 lbs and could fit in a size 31 set of jeans.I still felt fat .It is like a weight on your shoulders, an Atlas if you will.I would see-saw, back and forth over the years.When I met my wife to be we ate out a lot and I regained the weight.Now, at 62, it is all about health not appearance.My wife and I workout religiously.Balance is the key rather than the fanaticism of physical appearance in this culture! In the end,it is so phony.I am so glad I am a visual rather than a performing artist.I can hide behind my canvas,ha,ha!
Delete"Ultimately it was my fear that was really holding me back NOT the weight." How perfect. So many times I hate on my body, as if it were the physical manifestation of something terrible within me. But it isn't. I found that essay very affirming as well.
DeleteFear is definitely one of those cancer emotions that just grows and takes over one's entire self. It's easy to say but we shouldn't let it metastasize!
DeleteBell Hooks reminded me of grief and my brother Tom's death in 1987 at age 30.We were born 3 years apart ,me his senior.He suffered from schizophrenia and was hospitalized at several mental hospitals in St. Louis.We had both attended Lutheran parochial school.He was transferred to a "Special school',due to behavioral problems.Catholics and Lutherans tended to be on the vanguard as to mental health ministries.He exhibited strange behaviors from looking in a mirror to pacing the floor hours on end.He then became a missing person having walked miles on city streets.It was too much for my parents.My mom had him institutionalized.I had begun my undergraduate studies in art at a local community college ,commuting from home.The reality of Tom and his condition haunted me.I left fro graduate school to pursue my MFA at Penn State U., 800 miles away.I searched for a motif that first year.I returned home for a visit at Christmas.I took analog photographs of Tom.Later on I drew from the imagery.A prof. said this is your theme.It is yours!Thus began my family as theme series! It was emotionally intense.I worked with it for 5 years.I had begun my teaching career, working as a visiting prof. at several state schools.One of those schools,SUNY-Potsdam hired me.I had attended my first conference at Wash.U.I met realist painter Jack Beal there and showed him my work.He really liked my color and composition but warned me that this theme with its emotional intensity ,could not be sustained indefinitely.Thus ,I had changed painting motifs.In July 1987, my mother gave me the worst news."Dave, they found his body"! Tom was a missing person for 24 hours.He had worked in a sheltered workshop which ,due to a miscue,forgot to pick him up.I wept.I was lighter than air,no body ! The shortest scripture is John 11:35:Jesus wept.This is both a curse phrase and one acknowledging humankind's greatest personage and His humanity.My favorite quote on page 192 is: "Strategic mourning not only helped me resist,it helped me to heal".Raising 4 boys ,2 years apart kept my grief in perspective!
ReplyDeleteDavid, Thank you for sharing such a personal story. And what wise words that such an intensely emotional theme could not--or SHOULD not?--be sustained indefinitely. I am currently *attempting* to delve in to emotionally intense themes on my own family... but it is like snorkeling for treasures in the ocean: I must come up for air often. And eventually, I must call the exploration quits before the current pulls me too far out to swim back.
DeleteI resonated with the A Silent Body,Speaking Body as to the cutting behavior.My oldest son practiced this in his teens and twenties.I could never understand why he wanted to mutilate his arms and sometimes his legs.His experimenting with drugs added to this.He was a pretty boy and now a handsome man.This goes to show that you raise a child in an open home with two way conversation and this can still happen.I believe this is within one self and not necessarily fostered by family surrounds.My only critique is that I wish many of these authors would have confined their expressions of self to the surface of whatever mediums they wish to use instead of their bodies.This is not to diminish their personal anguish.I realize that many eventually found their artistic expressions and have recollected what had happened to them in their contributions.For some like me its just painful to read in part due to the familial aspect.Very hard hitting stuff!
ReplyDeleteYeah it worries me as a mother that I hope I teach my daughter its ok to trust me or to talk to me if she ever needs anything. But reading your story does let me know as a parent all i can do is do my part as a parent and she will have to go through her own journey in this life like i did, but like I said I just hope I can show her I am not here to judge but just to love.
DeleteBell Hooks essay was very informative, educational. there were great and useful snipes from her research and her grief as a copying mechanism, as a form of disclosure, etc. yet for me she has been our most distanced author. she let us in then pushed us out, in and out. instead of unfolding our life to us or with us, i read it like a "teaching" moment. these are important and good, but there is a distance i find in her text that i did not find in the others and that i do not find in Henri Nouwen's writing.
ReplyDeleteI did like that bell hooks essentially called bullSh*t on the platitude of god will not guve you more than you can handle notion. That has always rung hollow for me. In the samw way i think most of us have know from early childhood that though sticks and stones can breaknout bones words are far more deadly. Words perform within our souls.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe it is just me (making sure i frame it personally :). )
I can totally relate I always felt a little confused about that saying god will not give you more than you can handle... I remember thinking about people in other third world countries thinking why do they need to handle that? or has anyone ever told them that saying. And I agree a physical cut can heal but people can cut so deep with words thats emotionally you may never truly heal.
DeleteKathy
DeleteI get where you are coming from. I often look out into the street, at the homeless, or all of those empty foreclosed homes in my old neighborhood in San Antonio and think - wow can those people really be "handling" what God "gave" them. But, like you, I come from a life of privilege - uhhum an arts education, totally self indulgent. God has always provided for me, and I've handled every hard time dealt to me. But perhaps that saying means that by saying God wouldn't give this to me if I couldn't handle it, it gives us the motivation to cary on. Like a placebo - I think I can I think I can I think I can...
Reading all of these stories pulled a little something out of my journey in this life. In Rewriting the Script, Carolyn tried living in the social mold and I can relate to that. Growing up catholic with my grandparents in a small farm town I always seemed to push the envelope I got my first facial piercing at 16 first tattoo at 18. My poor grandparents I probably gave them a heart attack they would say "why do you do that to yourself" (but i feel they were always worried about how the world would see or treat me) one of my favorite moments is when I got my labrat pierced i had my head on my granddad's lap and he yelled out to my grandmother "Gloria! go get the pliers mija has a rock in her lip" ha ha i covered my mouth w my hands and yelled NO Powpow! and we laughed. Thats the thing though no matter what I did they taught me that unconditional love. I have heard SO many sad and bad things about my religion but the way I was brought up in the church was with the love of God and the unconditional love of my grandparents. Now my biological parents are a different story BUT because of my grandparents love for me I have forgiven them for MANY MANY things i went through as a young girl. From verbal abuse to neglect so on and so on from my biological parents. Reading these stories and kind of stepping back and looking at my collected art in my heart I see now that its all about Mamamine and Powpow they are the center of my being I mean I have always known this but they molded me they raised me solely from the age of 5 to 14. Then I moved with my mother and wow what a change that was.
ReplyDeletethank goodness for Mamamine and Powpow!
Delete:o)
DeleteAnyhow Cello Speak brought out another part of me it took me a long time to realize that I am very open with who I am and not afraid to admit my faults and some people cant handle that because they dont like to admit their faults. I used to get frustrated cause I wouldn't lie, if i broke something I admitted it before someone had to ask who did it and when I catch people lying it drives me crazy and it still does! One story when I was a full blown military wife living the social wife life there was this one wife who would always talk behind my back and I would always confront her (I was always know to confront anyone face on when I heard gossip about me never added to it I wanted to get to the root now), not in a rude bitchy way but a open you can talk to me if you have a problem with me way. I finally had enough and spoke to my granddad about it. He replied "You cant change people Candice if they choice to lie to you then walk away and stop wasting your time and energy. Who are you to confront them about their wrong doings? That is just who they are" At first I was like WHAT! but I realized my grandfather was a man that took care of his own he raised his kids the best way he knew how but he wouldnt raise anyone else (if that makes sense and if someone did him wrong he wouldnt give them another chance to do it again)
ReplyDeleteBonfire says "We need to deal with all parts of ourselves" I always have and I have openly asked others to tell me what is wrong with me so i can work on myself. My mother and I so many times have gotten into arguments and discussions about our past and I finally had to realize she would never change and either I will have to love her as she is or make myself miserable. As I mentioned with my grandparents I learned to love her and I do and I always have but I know how to protect myself better too.
ReplyDeleteIn Silent Body Speaking Body I have felt that was before like the teacher seeing someone go through something and wanting to say "I HAVE BEEN THERE!" but being cautious cause others may see you differently then. With this I have learned to share but in a private setting not in front of others because I have been judged before.
This book really makes me want to dig deeper inside of myself like I said I have always been open but I do have hurt and when my grandparents passed now that hurt seems to bubble sometimes. Reading this makes me want to journal again as I did as a young girl the last journal I did was in 2010. And a lot has happened since then.
*that all may have been all over the place ha ha!
Nan Goldin's self portraits in particular moved me. Especially the two on pages 194-5. The blue light which filled page 194 seemed so sad yet comforting. There was a kind of fragile strength in her face. Alone in that room, not solitary but independent. This same strength I saw in her battered eyes on page 195. I found myself looking into those eyes and felt her looking back at - into mine. There is something wonderfully honest, raw, and ... authentic.
ReplyDeleteI think it is that authenticity, which is difficult to find in much of the art world today and I like the description"fragile strength"and not solidarity but strength,different attitudes....and art which you can relate to...
DeleteI too was moved by her images. And David, I agree, there was such an authenticity about them. There was no hiding, instead there was a directness that really resonated, because it is engaging without editing out the weight of the subject matter and showing that strength can exist even if fragile and breakable, it remains.
DeleteI also liked on page 254, A Few Direct Questions part of the book. The quote that struck me was Stephanie Howell's "Taking the time to face yourself like that is usually the key to breaking out of a rut." I feel like this book has opened me up to self evaluate for the purpose of my work to getting rid of the fear within.
ReplyDeletethis book made me feel that way as well to dig deeper not just what everyone knows or sees but even things I dont notice about myself deep inside
DeleteGail,You make a good point.Taking the courage to face yourself might be a better quote..lol...I think it is not so easy as it sounds to look at yourself in relation to your art and your intent.
ReplyDeleteNan Golden "I photograph myself in times of trouble or change in order to find the ground to stand on in the change. You get displaced, and then taking self-portraits becomes a way of hanging onto yourself.”
ReplyDeleteI do this but in stead of posting to a gallery wall, i post to my social media. When i get mired down in what age is doing to me, social isolation, resodual gunk from my history that catches up to swallow me, my phone comes out. I thumb it to the self refective setting, push my arm out this way or that, tweak the white balance. Click. Click again. Locating myself in real space, in reflected space in a way that feels like who i "should be" versus how i feel. I then i post and tag in to the double relfective space to get my performed self stroked with the thumbing of others like button.
So yes there is a sense of reflective grounding that anchors me to something desipte the selfies virtuosity
I don't cut, i walk. I walk to find the ground in my body. I walk to find ground in the present moment. I walk to find myself in my own body. My pup keeps me faithful to find in ground. This assumes i am not texting and walking. This assumes i am not facebooking and walking. This assumes i extricate myself from cuber space and my smart phone which makes me stupid and absent from real space and real moments
ReplyDeleteI do not need to cut. I walk.
(Response to Silent Body, Speaking Body ANONYMOUS)
I floss when something catches. Teeth, having them, is a class cue. Without them, i would plummet to outcast my teeth are important, but i only waste minimal time on them.
I dont clean under my nails as frequently as i should based on my art and dog scratching practice. When i am out, i curl them under to reduce the attention riveting grunge. My broken nails and unclean nail beds have had some assume i am homeless. I whip out my smart phone a stroke itsurface like fondling a martini glass to recue them that i might be of a higher social class and dirty nails are some kind of choice. I dont waste my days cleaning my nail or hiring out for the job.
I floss on an occassion but brish faithfully. On occassion i might fall into bed with unbrushed teeth, but this is not a cue of teetering at the edge of depression. However if a fall into bed fully clothed, steel tip boots still afoot, a grungy from a days work, then i know i have teetered and am on the slide into the pit.
(Response to Live Through That?! BY EILEEN MYLES)
" I walk to find the ground in my body. I walk to find ground in the present moment. I walk to find myself in my own body."
ReplyDeleteI really liked the way you put this, Kathryn! I feel that you have touched on an idea here that part of me has known, but had to hear it from the outside to reach that "aha!" moment. I don't walk, I film!
I really enjoyed the way that Eileen Meyers brought us into the deep recesses of her world, all under the guise of good dental hygiene. The first line that struck me was:
ReplyDelete"I found myself in my thirties leaning into the mirror one night cleaning away and I thought: fuck, is this what I lived for— to floss." Eileen Meyers "Live Through That?!" (p. 220).
Originally, when I first read that line, I played Mad Libs with her phrase and inserted my own obsessions for "flossing", but then Meyers unfolded her little compulsory narrative and showed that yes, she really was living for her flossing habit. She connected it to her relationship with herself as she struggled to find an habits that were not self-destructive. She conducts her self-care ritual daily to affirm being thorough as she excavates the old pieces of food as stoically as we excavate our minds and hearts.
I thought about a few things while reading this story. Number one, what things am I living for? What self-affirming or self-defeating habits do I obsess over, and how do those things affect my time? My relationship with myself? My relationships with others? A cursory glance at my calendar tells me that I worked for 8 hours today and that I needed to make a discussion post for this class. Work and school? I'm okay with that because at present I love both, but I know that's letting myself off easy. A mental playback tells me that I spend an AWFUL lot of time in my car, a decent amount of time at the gym, too much time in front of the TV, not enough time playing with my spoiled puppy, and way too much time stressing myself out about the activities listed above, and a hundred more activities like them on any given day. And I jump from activity to activity with little thought of how it is contributing or taking away from what I love.
I won't be able to drop all the activities that don't contribute to my life's passion, I don't kid myself on that. But perhaps just conducting an inventory to make sure that I get more in the "adding to" column would make a difference in how much stress follows me throughout my day. In all honesty, it's either that or just keeping telling myself that I'll eventually get to it (when I never do). C.G. Jung says this better than I do, "You are what you do, now what you say you'll do."
Holley, I too found myself wondering what types of things I do, beneficial and less so. Your post hit home for me (I spend a lot of time in my car and the TV, darn you Hallmark channel for showing so much 'Golden Girls'! Meyers flossing really hit me, because I often have dreams of losing my teeth (been told by a number of people it means I am stressed, seems likely) and thus try hard to not let that happen in reality. And yes, there was something comforting about the flossing, it was an activity she knew would not be harmful, and in practicing it she created times in the day where she knew something was getting done - something through action was being preserved. It was a foundation, and routines can be a foundation, a basis of 'this is the thing I have control over'. I agree with you, it was the actions that confirmed, not the thought/or saying an action. I try to do what I say I will, but I am not always successful...
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